Tom Luxsox Coins

Choice Fine

Civil marriage equality has the potential to redefine the meaning, and to elevate the status of marriage in our society. How so? It all comes down to the reason marriage exists in the first place. Why do we marry? Simply put, we marry someone because we've fallen in love with them--a reasonably new concept in western, or any society--and we wish to spend the rest of our lives caring for them, being with them, cherishing them. This is a simple, reasonable desire, a human desire that has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Straight people fall in love every day. We see someone across a crowded room, make our halting first approach, sense a shared curiosity, and before we know it we're making long-term plans. Gays and lesbians fall in love, too. They see each other across that same crowded room, make overtures, fall in love and before you know it they're a couple. And along with that progression for gay and straight alike comes the desire to marry.

Based on the research I've done for this and several pieces, I've found that LGBT people don't just share our desire for marriage, they yearn for the opportunity. Aside from the myriad benefits and protections offered by marital status, the wish to be with one's beloved is a human trait which has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Yearning to marry is a cradle to grave phenomenon. And the power of its attraction can help us build stronger societies.

Consider this: As many people believe, strong communities are the result of members' commitment to stability, long-term relationships, safe environments for everyone and rich educational opportunities for kids and adults alike. The primary ingredient in these strong, vibrant communities, however, is the recognition that the social norm is two people devoted to each other. Again, based on the research for this article, those in the LGBT community who wish to marry feel very strongly about it, not just because it's been denied them too long, but because they genuinely wish to be considered part of the community as a whole. This is not surprising. Even in our highly individualistic society we all share a wish to have access to some of the same things.

I did encounter those individuals who, illogical as it seems, persist in believing that homosexuality is a personal choice; that certain men and women decide to dismiss conventional mores, enlisting in a group that's been thoroughly reviled and harassed throughout history. But those who adhere to the gay as choice belief can no longer have it both ways. If our gay and lesbian friends made a conscious choice to join an outcast community, why are they now demanding inclusion in one of our most revered institutions? This makes no sense.

There are far too many people in society today who regard their marital vows, and by extension everyone's, in a casual, cavalier way. One objection to gay marriage is that it will undermine traditional marriage. But the real threat to marriage in America is the prevalence of heterosexual divorce. Those who are desperate to commit, anxious to solidify their bonds through marriage ought to be encouraged, not denied. Any time a social institution can be simplified, purified if you will, drawn down to its ultimate distillation, like any raw material or crude amalgam, it becomes more valuable, more refined, and more attractive. The issue of allowing LGBT people access to civil marriage can only serve to focus on the ultimate reason for marriage: recognition of mutual love.

I believe it's time we stop defining marriage by those left outside, and focus instead on the potential this issue offers to elevate the status of marriage in society.

Byron H. Edgington is a writer and creator of the marriage resource website http://www.caffection.com. Caffection is where marriage and its manifold benefits are spoken. Visit Caffection.com for an assets planning guide, heartwarming movies, a daily journal, quotes, an e-newsletter and more, all free to download.

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